Ms.McKay It Wasn't Okay: SEL Through Positive Guidance

 

"Ms.McKay, It Wasn't Okay."

We’ve all experienced that moment as educators—the time before the students arrive, when the day is fresh, and full of potential. But as soon as the first student steps into the classroom, emotions start to unravel, and it becomes our job as their emotional facilitators to provide the tools they need for a positive learning experience.

When students enter the classroom, we often don't know the challenges they faced between leaving the previous day and returning in the morning. Even with parent communication, it reflects their own biases or misinterpretations, whether intentional or not. Allow your students to enter with a clean slate, free from yesterday's interactions, hurt egos, or their previous day struggles with delayed gratification. Greet each of them with eagerness and excitement. No matter the age, from infants to adults, your voice communicates your opinions of them within moments of the initial interaction.

For example, consider a child in your classroom. They eagerly show you an art project and in response they receive approval from you. What happens next? They make another almost identical project, seeking to continue that positive feeling and connection with you. This could happen with minimal praise just a quick "Wow! That's wonderful, good work!". 

Now, think about that excited child again but when they approach you say nothing to them you brush off their attempts to communicate or fail to provide emotional support. What happens next is they develop trust issues, behavioral problems, and low self-esteem. All of that long lasting damage could happen without saying a word. 

If this continues daily you are going to have built a divided environment where children are envious of the differentiating attention. Show love and kindness to each and every child. Rita Pierson said it best "Kids don't learn from people they don't like." 

The Conflict

As the day progresses, conflicts may arise—such as pushing. What do you do when your back was turned and you didn’t witness the incident? Your natural inclination might be to make assumptions based on the visible aftermath: one child on the ground crying, another standing with an aggressive expression. You might say, "Why did you push her? Go sit in Cozy Corner" and add further punishments, like missing recess or threats of calling parents. But did you actually ask what happened? Likely, you missed an opportunity for understanding. Perhaps the child who fell was the instigator. We are trying to build children who know when its appropriate to respond with emotions and when its not. Instead of jumping to conclusions ourselves, it’s crucial to communicate.

 Don’t Force Acceptance

When both children are emotionally charged, forcing one to accept an apology isn’t helpful. Pressuring a child to say, “It’s okay,” when they don’t genuinely feel that way prolongs the situation at least emotionally. Your inner monologue might be, “Can they just get over it?” But the reality is that they need time to process their feelings and they dictate that length not us. 

Tip: If neither child wants to stay in the situation, let them return to their activities and speak to the children individually. First, speak to the child who was hurt, away from distractions.

               Eliminate Bias Opinions: If you didn’t see the incident, don’t guide the conversation based on your assumptions.

           Possible reflective questions:

                   How are you feeling?

                 Tell me what happened.

                 How did you respond?

    What do you need to feel better?

Do you want to talk to them about the push? (If they say no, its no. Don't go further than their comfort)

These questions aim to understand rather than assign blame. Follow through on what the child needs to feel supported, whether it’s reading a book, playing with blocks, or something else.

 When They Aren't Sorry:

Forcing children to say “sorry” is counterproductive. It doesn’t teach genuine empathy. By the end of the year, that child might say "sorry" when he pushes, but that doesn’t mean he has grown emotionally—it means he has learned the routine and expected response. He also might not be sorry in this scenario, he responded in the way that seemed fitting and there is acceptance of that. Instead walk him through "checking in" which is asking the other person if they are okay and build strategies so that pushing isn't the first response.

 Since pushing is an emotional response, try using breathing exercises, emotion cards, and a mirror to help them express their feelings. Ask similar reflective questions to make connections between both versions of the story. You may need to delve deeper, especially since you'll be communicating the incident to guardians and making action plans

How to Teach "I'm Sorry"

1. Model Apologies Regularly: Demonstrate the use of "I'm sorry" in your daily interactions. As teachers, we are not perfect and make mistakes. For instance:

   - If you accidentally bump into a student, say, "Whoops, sorry for bumping into you."

   - If you make a promise you can’t keep, acknowledge it with, "I'm sorry I said we could go outside before nap; we ran out of time but, maybe later in the afternoon."

2. Explain the Why: When you apologize, provide a brief explanation to help students understand why saying "I'm sorry" is important. This helps them grasp the concept more deeply. For example:

   - "When I bumped into you, I said 'sorry' because I didn’t mean to hurt you"

3. Demonstrate Self-Reflection: Show that as adults, we also make mistakes and use apologies to build better relationships. This teaches students that acknowledging and addressing mistakes is essential for understanding and self-reflection.

By incorporating these practices, you help young students learn the value of apologizing and develop empathy and self-awareness in a sincere way.

Parent Communication 

Contact parents before pickup. No parent wants to hear their child was hurt or pushing late in the day. By having detailed conversations with each child, you can provide a clear picture to parents. This helps in having consistent messaging and building trust between you, the child, and their parents. Have a plan on how you will be responding in the future to similar behaviors. Parents want to know that you are on it and are prepared. If you aren't sure, talk to administration prior to parent contact and formulate a plan. 

Administration Communication 

Document everything: time, date, the interaction, how you handled it, and your plan moving forward. Whether it’s adding books about keeping hands to yourself, labeling emotions, observations or updating lesson plans, inform your supervisor. If a parent becomes upset, having an established plan helps your administration support you effectively.

Observations and Action Plans

While it might seem overwhelming, addressing issues like pushing early on is crucial for SEL development. Observe your classroom to identify patterns or triggers for aggressive behaviors. If you notice frequent issues in certain areas, consider adjustments like changing materials or having an additional teacher present to guide the Social and Emotional Learning. Throughout all of these observations communicate with parents and admin. Avoid calling parents with only the areas that need support, let them know even the smallest peaks (positives) of the day or week. 

Reflection & Discussion

Listen to your students. “Ms. McKay, It Wasn't Okay” highlights the importance of listening and removing assumptions. Children absorb new information daily, and interactions evolve based on their experiences. Accept that ECE can be unpredictable and focus on supporting how children navigate their day. Remove judgment, model kindness, and be there to guide them through their learning journey with discussion as a form of assessment of their key takeaways. Kids are willing to share with you where they stand, just give them chance. 

Warmly, 

             

Ms.McKay